stand still and unbending.

January 4, 2011

i didn’t want to react that way. i wanted to be the nobler. i wanted her to know i was alright with it. wanted her to see how okay i was. how strong. and open-minded. how wise. she could come to me for advice, even. my shoulders were so straight and strong. so absorbent. still so for her to cry on. i wanted her to see she was not hurting me, could not hurt me. i wanted her to lean against the whole rock wall of me and slumping in her weakness, acknowledge how sturdy i was. her weakness. was not mine. i could deal with it. and she thought she was going to have to be strong and resolute enough for the both of us. i didn’t want her picking me up off the floor. i wanted her to see i didn’t need that. my knees were not going to bend beneath this. i was going to stand still and unbending. i wanted her to see that some people are rather well adjusted. and that, actually, i was one of those people. had been all along. that there were sides to me she’d never seen. that there were sides to me she’d dragged out into the light only to stomp on then like cockroaches who’d been happy in the darkness and were now scrambling for their lives. caught by the flick of a switch. all that was over now. i wanted her to see i didn’t need her to feel solid. i’d needed her to tear myself apart over. but had done the thing over and over because it turned her on. when she could put me back together. arrange my flaccid limbs in an embrace around her. rub my cold hands. spread my exhausted legs and warm me from the inside. she was expecting me to crumble today. today she was going to tell me she wasn’t going to do this anymore. she was going to leave me in a pile on the floor with all my love for her pooling salty and sad around me. it was going to be pathetic. the very sight of it exhausting. my pathetic, exhausting, nauseating hysteria was going to be her confirmation. she didn’t want that any more. she had her own life. she was tired. she was not going to be manipulated. i was not going to manipulate her. no. i was not about to react. not that way. i had no expectations. she could walk out the door and i’d be fine. she could just leave if that’s what she really wanted. she could believe that it was really fine with me. that i was happy for her. that i understood. it was difficult to be with me. i am a difficult person to be with. yes. she gave so much. and yes. i know. how exhausting it must have been. for her. but now we could both take a rest. really. i was going to be okay. i was determined to make her believe that. really. please. believe me. i know. shhh, don’t cry. i know. please. don’t be sorry. go. really. you need this. space. you need to breathe. shh. just breathe. i know. come here. it’s alright. cry if you need to. i’m hurting too, baby. but it’s for the best. you know it is. it was your decision. it’s alright. of course. yes. if you need to. of course you can stay the night. i know. just one more night.

 

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